Recovering From Guilt
by Charlie O'Kelley
Summary: Kate is healing from being shot but there is a lot of guilt involved.  Summary sucks and will change soon.  Minor spoilers, such as new captain's name, nothing much more than that. I am moving across country and might not be able to post too often.
1. Chapter 1

Recovering From Guilt

Kate is healing at the Castle Loft and guilt abounds. This summary will be re-worked when I get the chance. I am moving across the US this weekend and will be losing my internet any second for an unknown length of time. I may have a friend post new chapters but they might not have authors notes or be totally error free. But then again, none of my stuff is totally error free so it isn't a problem. :) Enjoy getting ready for the Castle premier.

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><p>"When can I get out of here, doc?" Kate asked four days after she was shot.<p>

"You aren't a very patient patient are you?" he asked and Kate just glared at him. "Possibly tomorrow, Detective Beckett."

"Really?" she asked surprised.

"Yes, you are healing well. But you can't be alone."

"For how long?"

"At the very least, until you get your stitches removed. So a week but I have heard that you are rather, um, how did they put it?"

"Stubborn?" she asked with a smile.

"Willful and pigheaded were the words I believe that I heard," he chuckled at her look of irritation. "Your friends and your dad have been really helpful and supportive, I'm sure that one them would be happy to stay with you."

"I'm sure they all will."

"Well, you sure don't need the stress of them fighting over you so maybe you and one friend or your dad should just go on a vacation. For at least two weeks."

"Dad can't take that much time off now, not after this," Kate gestured to herself in the hospital bed.

"Let me know what you decide. I don't feel comfortable releasing you until I know that someone will be able to keep you from over doing it."

"Okay. I'll talk to them later when they stop by."

"Rick is here with lunch, I think he is trying to smuggle in more hamburgers."

"No, he brought hamburgers yesterday, today is probably Chinese," she smiled.

"Just make sure he closes the door so the other patients don't smell it this time. I had a fight with the little old man in 315 about why he should eat the baked chicken when he kept smelling hamburgers," he smiled as he turned to walk out of the room.

"Hey, doc?" she called out. "Am I ever going to remember everything?"

"I can't tell you that for sure, detective but it is probably for the best anyway. Getting shot is a traumatic experience and you shouldn't have to relive it in your dreams all the time."

"I just feel that there is something important that I am missing. I hate that."

"I understand, Kate. Maybe when you are healing it will come back to you. That's all I can promise you. Let me know tonight and I'll see about getting the paperwork started for release tomorrow before lunch."

"Thanks, doc," she said as he finally left the room. Moments later, Rick Castle peeked in the door.

"Hey, is the coast clear?"

"Yes, just come in and shut the door," she said not missing the flicker of something strange in his eyes. "Doctor Michaels said he nearly had a fight with a patient yesterday because they wanted hamburgers too and not the baked chicken he was supposed to eat. I told him you were probably bringing Chinese today so he said to keep the door shut."

"Aww, he knows I'm bringing you lunch?" She nodded with a smile as he pouted. "It's not nearly as much fun sneaking it in then if he knows about it."

"It's okay, you don't have to worry about it any more after today."

"What do you mean?"

"He's letting me out tomorrow," she said with a smile.

"Already? But you were shot."

"I know that Castle. I do remember that part of it. I need to have someone stay with me for a while though."

"You'll stay at the loft," he said, apparently having made her decision without her.

"Oh I will, will I?" she said with one eyebrow raised.

"All of your other friends work somewhere else. You can stay at the loft and I can be there with you. I can't promise I won't hover but I'll try not to," he said honestly.

"The guys aren't back to work yet," she said losing her smile. "They go back on Monday."

"How about this, Kate? You come back to the loft for a couple of days then on Friday, if you are up to it, we go to the Hampton's."

"I don't want to mess up your plans. Don't you want to spend the time with Alexis?"

"Now that you are okay, she said she would like to spend the weekend with Ashley and his parents. Mother is busy with her school. I doubt that I'll be missed. I wasn't planning on anything other than writing this weekend so it won't be a problem."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course," he insisted. "Now, let's have lunch. Do you want the beef and broccoli or the orange chicken?"

"I'll take the chicken," she said as she reached for it.

"So you'll leave me with the broccoli?" he whined and looked at her with puppy dog eyes.

"You are pitiful," she complained as she traded boxes with him. They continued to bicker like usual until it was time for him to leave.

x-x-x-x-x

"You sure you're going to be okay at Castle's?" Lanie asked Kate the next morning.

"Yes, I'll be fine."

"Can you get dressed without help?" Lanie asked handing her friend a bag of clothes that she brought for her to take to the loft with her.

"I should be able to. If all else fails, I'll have Martha help out."

"I'm sure Castle would be happy to help too," Lanie said with a smile.

"Very funny, Lanie," she said as she started to get dressed. "Did you toss in a button up shirt?"

"I think there is one in there," she said as Kate found it. "I didn't even think about how you might not be able to put on a pull over. I'll get you some more later today from your place."

"Could you check my fridge while you are there? I hate to ask you but I really don't want to come back home after how ever long to green milk."

"Not a problem, girl. I'll stop in every couple of days to get the mail for you too."

"Thanks, Lanie."

"You'd do the same for me if it were me in here. You about ready? Castle should be here soon."

"Yeah," Kate said.

"You don't sound as happy as I thought you would be getting out of here so soon."

"I'm fine. Just thinking about Roy's family."

"Evelyn and the girls will be fine. The guys are watching after them just to make sure nothing happens to them."

"It's bad enough to lose a parent like that but poor Rebecca and Mary."

"Kate, their daddy died a hero," Lanie said.

"I know, but there is just so much that they are going to miss out on," she said lowering her eyes. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and Castle stuck his head in, his hand over his eyes.

"Everyone decent?" he asked.

"A little late asking that now, don't you think?" asked Lanie as she and her friend shared a smile at his antics.

"I have my eyes closed," he said with his charming smile as he walked into the room, his eyes still closed but pushing a wheelchair with both hands. "Are you ready to break out of this joint?"

"Once Kate puts her shirt on," Lanie said with an evil grin. Castle's jaw dropped for a moment before he closed his mouth and swallowed. Amazingly, his eyes remained shut.

"She's just playing with you Castle. I'm dressed," Kate told him as she glared at Lanie.

"You sure, because I don't want to get in trouble," he peeked one eye open cautiously.

"You won't get in trouble but I don't need the wheelchair."

"Actually, you do, Kate," said Doctor Michaels as he followed Castle into the room. "Just to the car."

"So you make me walk countless laps around the floor but I can't walk to the car?"

"Hospital policy," Doctor Michaels said with a smile. "Trust me, you will be wiped out by the time you get home, just humor me and use the chair."

"Fine," she said reaching for her bag.

"I'll carry that for you," suggested Lanie.


	2. Chapter 2

Okay I am going to attempt to upload from my phone. Keep your fingers crossed. I have moved and I have made it across country but as of yet, my stuff has not. AKA my computer or TV so no Castle for me on Monday. PLEASE I BEG YOU DON'T POST SPOILERS IN YOUR REVIEWS! Thanks loads!

Lanie followed the writer and her friend in her own car to Castle's loft. Kate didn't know that they had planned a little surprise party for her at the loft. It was just her dad, the team and Castle's family. Pulling into a visitor spot in the underground parking for Castle's building, Lanie looked in the rearview mirror and saw Kate open her door. Lanie hurried to hop out and go help her friend. She was just rounding the back of her car when Castle walked around to Kate. Lanie could see that Kate was already wiped out and knew that she wouldn't be able to make it to the loft on her own steam. She stepped closer then stopped in her tracks at what happened next.

Rick had also realized that Kate was pushing herself so without really thinking about it, he swept her into his arms. Kate suddenly went wild and started fighting him. Rick immediately thought of the last time he carried her and eased her to her feet.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry," he murmured, trying to calm her tears. He could feel that she was tensed and ready to run, much like the last time he held her like this. He held her tighter this time, not letting her slip away. He kept whispering that it was okay as he stroked her hair, his forehead pressed to hers.

"I'm sorry," Kate said after a few minutes when she finally was able to regain her composure still not realizing that Lanie was watching and that Esposito had gotten there also.

"You have nothing to be sorry about, it's my fault. I shouldn't have done that. I just didn't think about it," he said as he stroked her hair from her face.

"I know you were just trying to help, it's just that…"

"I understand, Kate," he said softly as he wiped away her tears. "I'm so sorry."

Lanie nudged Esposito in the side and softly said, "Go."

"Hey guys, you need help carrying anything upstairs?" Esposito asked ignoring the tears on Kate's face and the pain in Castle's eyes.

"Can you help Beckett? I need to get some stuff out of the car," Castle said.

"Sure, may I?" he asked Kate holding out his hands. At her nod, he reached out and picked her up. They were silent until the elevator doors shut. "You okay Kate?"

"Yeah, just a bit of a panic attack," she said unable to meet his eyes.

"Castle was just trying to help."

"I know. It's just that at the hanger, I went to go meet Roy. He was trying to make things better and I needed to be there so Lockwood would be there too."

"I know, Kate," he said, not wanting her to have to relive it again if she didn't want to.

"Castle came in and Roy told him to take me away. He actually had to pick me up and carry me to my car. I wasn't expecting him to pick me up a bit ago, I just panicked." She fell silent for a bit. "Does Lanie know everything?"

"Yes, I told her everything after you were shot. I know we weren't going to tell anyone else but I had to talk to someone," he said the pain of the betrayal clearly in his eyes.

"That's okay, Javi. Cause I need to talk to someone too," Kate said as the elevator doors opened.

"You know, I'm a good listener if you ever need to talk."

"I know, I just need a woman's view on some of this stuff," she said before she smiled. "I mean, I know you looked good in that one dress and all Javi but-"

"You are never going to let me live that undercover op down are you?" he asked, glad to see a smile back on her face.

"Of course not."

"For that, I shouldn't tell you about the surprise party," he said.

"What party?" she asked worried.

"Don't worry, its just family. Grab the door," he said. She reached out and opened the door and saw her dad waiting nervously.

"Katie, are you okay?" Jim Beckett asked as she was being placed on the couch.

"I'm fine, just a lot more tired than I thought I would be."

"Should we all clear out?" asked Ryan.

"No. I'll just sit here and rest a bit, oh thanks Jenny," she said as she accepted a glass of ice water.

"Where's Dad?" asked Alexis.

"He had to get something out of the car," Kate said as she settled into the couch. "Hey are you skipping school?"

"Yeah," Alexis nodded with a big Castle grin. "Dad is so proud of me."

Downstairs in the parking garage

"What just happened, Castle?" Lanie asked him once the elevator was closed. "Rick?"

"I'm not sure," he said refusing to look at her.

"Yes, you are. You said it was your fault, that you understand."

"Lanie, I can't tell you," he said as he pulled out the bags that were in the trunk.

"I know everything, Castle," she said as she laid her hand on his arm stopping him in his place. "Javi told me the other day."

"He knew that she wouldn't leave when he asked her to. Even if it cost her her own life. He had me come as back up for him, to protect her. I had to pick her up and carry her away."

"So when you picked her up just now…"

"She thought of that. I don't know if she'll forgive me for that either," he said with a broken voice.

"She has," his eyes met hers at her insistence. "She wouldn't be staying at your loft if she hadn't."

"Thank you, Lanie."

"How about we get upstairs and join the party?"

x-x-x-x

"Castle, where should I put her bag?" Lanie asked once they were upstairs.

"Right here is fine," he said dropping the two larger bags at the door of his office. "I'll take care of it later."

"I want to check her incision and make sure she didn't pull anything earlier," Lanie said surprised to see him go pale. "I'm sure she's fine Castle but I want to check anyway. Where is the guest room?"

"Upstairs but she'll be in my room down here."

"Oh, really?" Lanie said with crossed arms.

"Yes, really, and I will be in the guest room upstairs. I didn't think she should have to worry about steps right now."

"Good idea. You haven't told her that yet though, have you?" she asked with a small smile.

"No, I figure she will try to fight me over it so I wanted to wait until everyone else was gone."

"Okay. Can we use the bedroom?"

"Sure. Right back there," he said pointing to his door.

"Hey everyone," Lanie said. "Kate, can you come with me for a second?"

"What's up?"

"I need to talk to you, girl."

Kate knew better than to argue when her friend had that determined look on her face. Gently getting off the couch, she patted her dad's shoulder as she walked by.

"Need a ride," Esposito offered.

"No, I'll need to get used to the stairs soon enough, might as well start now," Kate said.

"Actually, you won't start now. Follow me," Lanie said.

"Lanie, this isn't the guest room," Kate said as they walked into Rick bedroom.

"I know but I just want to check your incision. Need to see that you didn't pop any stitches or anything."

"Okay," she said as she sat down and unbuttoned her shirt to reveal the bandages.

"Does anything hurt more than before?"

"Not really. I'm just pretty tired."

"I'm sure," Lanie said as she pulled back the bandage. She was pleased to see no pulled stitches and the incision seemed to be healing well. She replaced the bandage and Kate soon buttoned her shirt back up. "What happened downstairs, Kate?"

"It's a long story, Lanie. Can I tell you later?"

"How about tonight? I'll come by after dinner."

A knock sounded on the closed door, followed by Castle's voice. "Lunch is here, ladies."

"Thanks Castle," Lanie called out.


	3. Chapter 3

hey everyone! Good news bad news. I finally got all my stuff from the movers such as my computer so I can actually do some writing now. Yippee! Bad news are several. All the writing I've done since 9/10/11 is on my phone. I usually email it to myself and just copy it to my document to work on. Problem, since the movers were let bringing my things like my TV, I had to reschedule my appt to get my cable Internet and such. I MIGHT get it next week. That is if I can get a new TV in time. Yes the movers broke mine. Joy. Okay back to the good things. I'm getting visitors this weekend and I'm so excited. In a good way! Mom and Dad in law are coming to visit. Haven't seen them in 2 years. And she wants to take me shopping. How cool? About the story: I really cant remember where I broke this chapter up at. I am working on the rest of it most has been planned out in my head (but that's a pretty scary place.) hope you enjoy this part and hopefully I'll have Internet soon so I can better respond to reviews and post more parts.

Rick ordered lasagna from Kate's favorite Italian restaurant for lunch. They were nearly finished when he happened to notice just how tired Kate was looking. He surreptitiously brought her the medications that the pharmacy had delivered earlier. He was a bit surprised when she took all of them, including the pain pills, without fighting him. Lanie realized what pills she had taken so before too long, she suggested to everyone that they run along and let Kate rest. Soon, Kate and Rick were alone in the loft. Even Alexis disappeared to the library so she could get a jump on the homework that she had to do for the day.

"I think I am going to go upstairs and take a nap," Kate said, her speech a bit slurred from the pain medication.

"About that. I didn't want you to have to worry about the stairs, so I told Lanie to put your things downstairs."

"That's your room, Castle," she said crossing her arms over her chest.

"I know, but I moved my stuff upstairs. You are going to use my room."

"Castle," she warned.

"Kate, you are so exhausted you probably can't even walk across the room, there is no way you are going to make it up the stairs, unless I carry you," he said softly. "Besides, I thought it would be easier for you to be closer to the kitchen in case you need anything in the middle of the night." He held his hand out to her and helped her stand up, catching her waist in his hands when her knees wobbled.

"Wow, I suddenly feel really drunk. Everything is spinning. How many of those pain pills did you give me?"

"The directions said one or two, so I gave you two. I figured that you would need them today," he explained as her hands moved to his arms, then slipped up to his shoulders. "Would you like me to carry you?"

She just stood in his arms for a moment thinking about it before she nodded, causing her to weave a bit more. "Just don't surprise me."

"Okay. I promise. I'm going to pick you up now, okay?" he said as he slowly reached down and picked her up.

"Okay," she giggled as she wrapped her left arm around his neck. "Can you promise me something else?"

"Of course," he said smiling at her drunk-like state.

"Don't let me take two of those pain pills again," she said as she shook her finger at him.

"Sure," he chuckled. "Unless you need two of them, okay?"

"Oooo-Kay," she said with a giggle. "Bet this isn't how you ever imagined taking me to your bed."

Rick looked down at her shocked at what she said but she had closed her eyes and rested her head against his shoulder. He smiled wider and simply laid her on the bed.

"Why are you smiling?"

"No reason," he said trying to stop smiling but failing. He hid his smile by reaching down and gently removing one shoe. She pulled her other foot back before he could remove the mate.

"What are you doing?"

"Taking off your shoes," he explained simply. "You'll be more comfortable."

"You better not try to take off anything else," she said as she moved her foot back to his hands.

"I wouldn't dare," he said seriously but with a twinkle in his eye. "Are you going to be okay? Should I call the doctor? Or Lanie."

"Why would you call them?"

"Because the room is spinning," he said while he covered her with a lightweight blanket.

"No, don't call anyone. I'll be fine, the room is barely moving now."

"You go ahead and take a nap. I'll be in my study if you need anything, just yell and I'll be right in."

"Okay," she mumbled. He watched her just for a moment as she curled up and pulled the blanket closer before falling to sleep.

X-x-x-x-x

Two hours later, Rick walked by his room to check on Kate. He saw her stirring and at first thought she was awake when she said Roy's name. He gently sat down beside her on the bed and touched her shoulder.

"Kate, wake up." He shook her shoulder lightly to no avail. Rick then brushed her hair from her face, his thumb caressing her cheek.

"Rick," she whispered still asleep.

"Kate, please wake up," he pleaded when she jerked slightly away from him and opened her eyes.

"Castle," she said clearly surprised that he was sitting beside her on the bed.

"You were having a nightmare."

"How long was I asleep?" she asked as she moved to sit up against the pillows.

"About two hours. How are you feeling?" he asked as he pulled his hand away from her.

"Okay. You haven't been watching me this whole time have you?" she asked suspiciously.

"No. I promised you that I wouldn't hover. I peeked in at you an hour ago then just now. I saw you moving and heard you call Roy's name. I figured you probably would rather wake up now then be up all night."

"Thanks, Castle," she said as she pulled the blanket up a bit more to cover her lap. "Do you mind if I watch TV in the other room? I want to get out of the bed."

"Is the room still spinning?"

"No," she said suspiciously at his smile. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason," he said still smiling.

"Castle," she warned. "Do I need to twist your ear?"

"No," he pouted. "I've just never seen you act drunk before."

"I wasn't drunk," she rolled her eyes. "Narcotics sometimes hit me a bit harder than I expect them to is all."

"But you've been on them for several days now."

"I guess the pills are something different. I didn't really notice them until I stood up and suddenly everything started spinning."

"I was thinking that it hit you pretty fast. You just looked tired then all of a sudden you were weaving on your feet." He reached over to the nightstand and handed her the remote before he spoke again. "There is a TV in here but whatever you want to do is fine. While you are here, consider this your place. You don't need to ask for anything."

"So it's okay if I run around barefoot?"

"Sure, you can run around in as little as you like," he said wiggling his eyebrows at her.

He realized then that even though she was recovering from a gunshot wound, she was still pretty quick at throwing pillows in his face.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I finally have my computer and internet connection so I can upload from here and not from my phone. Yippee! Unfortunately, I have been so busy unpacking and such, I haven't had much time to write on this story. This is the last of what I have in order that is finished. I have quite a bit done but that happens later in the story. I skipped a part I was having trouble with and I am still working on it but I have a good idea what to do for it. To apologize for the wait, this chapter is about twice as long as the previous ones. Hope that you enjoy. Remember, this was written before the premier of Season 4 and I am one of those spoiler free people so if something doesn't add up, that's why.

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><p>Kate was sitting on the couch with the remote and a drink supplied by Rick who soon retreated back to his study to write. Kate was flipping channels, not finding anything good on live TV when she decided to take a look at Rick's DVR. He had commented on it before so she was curious about what all he actually had on it. Kate wasn't too surprised at the sci-fi shows or the cartoons but she was surprised when she came across the last two weeks of Temptation Lane. She sent a smile to the study and turned on the first of the episodes that she hadn't watched yet. Alexis came home when Kate was nearly through the first episode and a short time later, she joined Kate in the living room.<p>

"Can I join you?" the young red head asked.

"Of course, it's your house," Kate smiled.

"I always sit on one end of the couch but I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't unless you jump on me."

Alexis smiled, toed off her shoes and gently sat on the opposite end of the couch.

"You aren't going to get in trouble for skipping school today are you?" Kate asked.

"No. Don't tell Dad," Alexis whispered. "I got Gram to call in to let them know there was a family issue that I needed to help with today. Dad just thinks I skipped."

"I can't believe he's so proud of you for skipping," she laughed.

"I know! He says that you are a good influence on me."

"Your dad is crazy. Most parents don't want their kids to be around people who make them skip school."

"You know Dad," Alexis shook her head. "He has to be different."

"Why be normal?" said the man in question as he walked out to the living room slightly startling Kate.

"Dad," Alexis said exasperated as he leaned down to drop a kiss on her head.

"Being different is much more fun. So what did you do today while skipping school?" he asked as he walked into the kitchen to get a drink.

"Oh, I went to Ed's Tattoo's got a tat and a navel ring."

"Cool, maybe Kate will show you hers," he grinned mischievously as he disappeared back into the study.

"You have a tattoo and a navel ring?" Alexis asked in surprise.

"I do have a tattoo but the navel ring was a joke. I don't recommend getting either of them though, your dad would probably not find that funny."

"Why not? He has a tattoo."

"Really? I wonder why he's never mentioned it."

"He wishes that he didn't do it. He had just published _In a Hail of Bullets_ and when it hit the bestseller list he went to celebrate with one of his college buddies. They got a bit drunk and he woke up with a tattoo of five bullets on his right hip," Alexis said and gestured where it was.

"Mine is a rose on my left hip," Kate confessed after glancing to make sure that the study door was still closed.

"You don't strike me as a flower type."

"Roses were my mom's favorite," Kate explained simply.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry," said the young girl.

"It's okay. Did your Dad tell you why I like this show so much?"

"No."

"I had gotten my tonsils removed and Mom and I sat curled up under a blanket and watched it while I was getting better. Shall we?" Kate suggested as she held up the blanket for Alexis to join her. The redhead smiled then eased over to sit next to her dad's partner.

x-x-x-x

The women remained curled up on the couch until Rick came back out to check on Kate. He just smiled at his two favorite females bonding over daytime TV. Seeing that they had just started a new episode, he walked into the kitchen and fixed up dinner without bothering either of them. Soon, he walked into the living room with a tray full of food for the three of them. He handed the plates to the ladies then sat beside Kate. She looked at him sideways with a raised eyebrow when he tugged the blanket over his legs also but she said nothing.

The episode finally finished and Alexis excused herself to get ready for bed and Kate realized that it was probably time for her to do that too. She knew that Lanie was going to try to stop by and she wanted to not be in the living room for that conversation. Kate didn't want Rick to overhear anything.

Lanie's visit

"Lanie," Castle said surprised to see her at his loft again after dinner.

"Hey Castle. I told Beckett that I would come over so we could talk."

"Of course, come on in. Can I get you anything?"

"No, I'm fine. How's my girl doing so far?"

"Okay, I think," he said. "I got her to use the bedroom down here without much of a fight."

"How did you do that?"

"I waited until her pain pills started working then I told her," he grinned.

"Sneaky but well done," Lanie said impressed that he hadn't had to fight her about it.

"Thanks. She's in the bedroom."

"Hey girl," Lanie said as she opened the bedroom door after a quick knock. "How you feeling?"

"Tired," she said as she was fishing through her suitcase. "But not too bad. I had a two hour nap earlier."

"Good, are you up for a talk?"

"Sure. But I was just going to go change clothes first." She sighed and dropped her hands from her suitcase. "No more button downs though."

"Oh and I didn't get back by your place today. I'm sorry, I forgot all about it," Lanie apologized.

"That's okay. I guess I'll just use one of Castle's shirts." Kate slipped into his closet and grabbed one of the first shirts she came to, a nice blue one. She changed clothes then climbed into bed with Lanie sitting on the other side.

"You sure seem comfortable in Writer Boy's closet," Lanie said with a smirk.

"Lanie!"

"Just sayin'. You over your little panic attack from earlier?"

"Yeah, just embarrassed about it more than anything now," Kate said looking down at her hands.

"So what happened?" Lanie asked, her voice gentle and not teasing now.

"How much do you know?"

"I know everything that Javi knows," Lanie assured her.

"Roy tried to get me to walk away, said it wouldn't end well. Obviously, I ignored him. Castle came over then and tried to convince me too. We had a fight."

"You've had fights before."

"I know but this was a big one," Kate sighed. "He said that he didn't think we were going to win this."

"Castle, ever the optimist said that?"

"Yeah. I asked him what he thought I should do and he said I should just walk away. He said they were going to kill me."

"You have to admit he was right, they certainly tried. What did you say to that?"

"I didn't. He said that if I didn't care about dying then I should at least think about the people who love me," Kate explained watching how Lanie's eyebrow shot up at the mention of the word love. "My dad, Castle even mentioned Josh."

"What about him, Castle?"

"That's what I asked him," Kate said as she fidgeted with the edge of the sheets. "He said he didn't want anything bad to happen to me because I was his partner and his friend."

"Is that all he said?" Lanie asked as she gave a look of dismay to the closed bedroom door, knowing that Castle was out in the rest of the loft somewhere.

Kate nodded. "The look of pain in his eyes when he said friend though, nearly broke my heart. It's like he wanted to be so much more than that."

"He does. The boy loves you, Kate," Lanie said simply. Kate didn't respond to that but continued.

"I asked him if that's what we were because I honestly didn't know anymore. He didn't either. There have been a couple of things that happened that we never talked about that we should have, so neither of us knew really where we stood."

"Like what couple of things happened?"

"The freezer container, nearly dying in each other's arms," Kate didn't have to explain how that was to Lanie. "And, uh, we kissed a couple of months ago."

"You kissed and you never told me?" Lanie sounded hurt.

"I'm sorry, Lanie. It was when we were trying to get Ryan and Esposito away from Lockwood. We needed a way to get past the guard outside, so we acted like a drunk couple stumbling down the alley. I knew that it was just a slim chance to save them but we had to try. The guard wasn't buying it and I had my hand on my gun even though I knew that once I fired, Ryan and Esposito would be dead. Castle slapped my hand away and grabbed my neck and kissed me."

"What did you do then?"

"I was too shocked to do anything. I pulled back and noticed the guard was walking towards us so I thought if we made sure it looked real then we might be able to take the guard down or something. I didn't mean for it to be that real," Kate sighed and shook her head gently. "My God, Lanie that man can kiss. I totally forgot about the guard until he laughed. Then I realized he was standing next to us, so I grabbed my gun and knocked him out."

"And you didn't talk about that later?" Lanie was a bit surprised.

"No, I was still with Josh then. I couldn't talk about kissing another man. I already felt like I had cheated on Josh, talking about it would have been even worse."

"So one kiss was cheating on Josh?"

"No, but it was with Castle. That just seemed worse, I guess."

"Okay, Kate. So you nearly die in each other's arms and you kissed but never talked about it. What happened after that?"

"He said he didn't want me to throw my life away. I told him it was my life not his. He said that this wasn't about Mom's case anymore, it was about me hiding behind it."

"He is a smart man."

"Castle said that I was afraid to find out who I am without the drive to solve my mom's case," Kate said in nearly a whisper.

"A very smart man." Lanie said as she looked at her friend. Lanie hated to see Kate in pain but she needed to talk this out.

"I told him he thought he knew me but he didn't. The truth is, Lanie, he knows me better than anyone. Especially with what he said next. He said that I hide behind my mother's murder just like I hide in relationships with men I don't love." Kate sighed. "Lanie, I almost slapped him. I told him we are over kicked him out of my apartment."

"And he left?" Lanie queried in surprise.

"Yeah," Kate said sadly. "He called dozens of times, literally. But I ignored them all, I was so mad at him."

"Mad about what he said or the fact that he was right?"

Kate thought for a moment but said nothing because there was a knock on the bedroom door. "Yes?"

"I don't mean to interrupt your talk but it's time for your meds, Beckett," Rick said from the other side of the closed door.

"Come on in." She smiled slightly as he came in carrying a tray with two bowls of ice cream, several smaller bowls of toppings, water, Kate's pills and a box of tissues. He sat the tray on the foot of the bed then handed Kate her meds.

"You know I was just telling Kate you were a smart man. Bringing us ice cream too, very smart," Lanie said reaching for the ice cream.

"Thank you, Dr. Parish," he said with a slight bow. "If there is anything else you ladies need, just give me a yell."

"I hope you don't mind, I borrowed one of your shirts," Kate stated the obvious as she had to roll up the sleeves again as he watched her.

"Not at all. I told you before, anything you need, help yourself," he insisted.

Once he was out of the room, he pulled the door shut behind him then leaned against it for a moment. He took a deep breath and tried to put the image of Kate, wearing his favorite blue shirt, lying in his bed, out of his mind. He thought about what would Jameson Rook do, smiled then headed into the kitchen to pick up his bowl of ice cream before heading back to his study.

Kate picked up her meds and after looking at the bottles carefully she took the ones that she needed to.

"Don't forget to take your pain pill," Lanie insisted.

"They make my head fuzzy. Trust me, it isn't pretty. Castle was so concerned earlier that he was going to call you."

"Why?"

"He said he's never even seen me tipsy and I was acting really drunk," she said as she put the pain pills back on the tray.

"Trust me," Lanie insisted. "It's best to keep ahead of the pain right now. Give it a few more days before you start weaning yourself off of them."

"After we finish our talk, okay?" Kate tried to compromise.

"Okay, so you better start talking while we are eating. So you kicked him out and then what happened?"

"Javi said that he told you everything that he knew," Lanie nodded but didn't speak. "Roy called me, told me to meet him at the hanger. He was using me as bait to get Lockwood and all of them there. Roy said he was going to end it all and he called out to Castle. I didn't even know that Castle was there. Roy told him to take me out of there," Kate stopped speaking for a moment. "I didn't want to leave, Lanie. I thought that I would stand beside my friend and mentor and we could end it together. He said that it was his spot to stand not mine. We saw the SUV pulling up and Roy yelled at Castle to get me out. I tried to fight him but he picked me up and carried me out of the hanger. I was a mess, sobbing, begging him to let me go to help my friend. Castle just held me tighter and covered my mouth with his hand and kept shushing me. He didn't want anyone to hear us. Even with all that going on, he thought of that, I didn't. He just held me against my car and kept apologizing to me."

"What was he apologizing for?" Lanie asked, nudging the tissues closer to her friend.

"For not letting me go, for Roy dying for me, everything."

"So today when he picked you up…"

"I flashed back to that night. I have nightmares, Lanie," Kate admitted as if that were the most terrible thing.

"Of course, you would, sweetie. There is nothing wrong with that."

"They want me to see a shrink before I go back to work."

"That's not a bad idea, Kate."

"I know. It's policy for cops to see a shrink after a shooting like this. It's just…"

"There is nothing wrong with asking for help from time to time Kate."

"I know, Lanie. It's just that I can't talk to him."

"That's what he is there for."

"That's true but he doesn't know everything. And we can't tell him everything. We weren't even going to tell you but I'm glad that Esposito did."

"He was a bit worried about telling me. He didn't want to upset you all."

"Lanie, I seriously doubt that either Ryan or Castle would in anyway be bothered by Esposito telling you and I sure don't mind. The only real concern is that it could be dangerous for you to know."

"Javi told me that and you know, it's okay. He said that no one else knows about Roy except for the guy behind it all."

"And he's the dangerous one," Kate commented.

"Yes, I know. But there is no way for him to assume that Roy told anyone what he knew and that he was involved in the first place. And if this mystery man thinks that Roy told you or the boys, then I'm glad I know."

"Why?"

"If someone is coming after me to hurt me, then I think I should know why," Lanie explained.

"Promise me that you'll be careful though."

"Of course, Kate."

"Good. I know I don't want to lose you and something tells me that Javi would think the same." Lanie looked away and nodded before Kate continued. "You've never told me just how serious the two of you are."

"I think it's gotten a lot more serious in the past week. We were just having fun at first and that was fine but I think it's more than that now. I know that just a few weeks ago he was all gaga over all the beauty queens and I was okay with that. Then."

"And now?" Kate asked.

"Now," she smiled slightly. "It's different."

"How so?"

"We were walking into the coffee shop when some beautiful woman, I think she is an actress, walked out. Before, Javi would have watched her but the other day, he just held the door for her and didn't pay her the least bit of attention after that."

"And that made you happy?"

"Very." The two women shared a smile.

"You two are good together, Lanie. You understand the pressures of each other's jobs and that always helps out."

"Castle understands the pressures of your job."

"Lanie!"

"Just sayin'. You know that you can call me anytime if you need to talk, right? I don't care what time it is or anything."

"I know Lanie."

"Good. Now why don't you take your pain pill and get some sleep," Lanie said as she stood up and gathered up the ice cream bowls. "I'll stop by at your place and bring you some more clothes tomorrow."

"Thanks again Lanie."

"Unless you prefer to just steal Castle's clothes. I don't think he minds," Lanie said with a wiggle of her eyebrow.

"Good night, Lanie," Kate insisted.


End file.
